ollieacompulsiveovereater

I had a good swim this morning. The problem is that, when I gain weight, I swim faster. That makes it all too easy to rationalize weight gain.

Today's "For Today" reading was on kindness; mostly they focused on one being kind to themselves.

So, how am I kind to myself? I'll answer with some stories.

Many years ago, President Reagan was shot. He was rushed to the nearest hospital which was the type that did not cater to celebrities. The doctor he saw treated him the way he treated anyone else, and didn't hesitate to cause him pain in order to find the bullet. In doing so, the doctor saved his life.

Around the same time, I was recovering from knee surgery. The knee had developed scar tissue and wouldn't bend all the way. The physical therapist didn't hesitate to cause me pain; he didn't want me to spend the rest of my life crippled.

Both were examples of kindness.

Yes, I know that there is a difference between being helpful (e. g., "it appears that you are gaining weight; is anything wrong?") vs. being hateful ("gee, you are sure turning into a fatso!").

But to deny it when things are going wrong is not being kind.

Yikes! I weighed this morning: 202 lbs. I know some of it comes from having eaten salty food two days in a row, but not all of it.

I am serious need of adjusting my foodplan. And, having gained this much weight I can't call myself "abstinent" any longer. But I am abstinent today, so far.

That is what happens from time to time: I have a foodplan adjusted up for ultra training and, being a compulsive overeater, I am loathe to adjust it back down when I am not ultra training.

Oh well; I know what I need to do. Humility, working with others and being honest with my sponsor, spouse and program friends.

Update: the scale may have been a bit off. I weighed 198.6 on the expensive health club scale and 198.5 when I got back.

This is what I look like as of May 29, 2006: (click for larger photo)

Peoria, Illinois Overeaters Anonymous meetings.

Note: this site has nothing to do with Overeaters Anonymous; this is strictly one person saying: "if interested, these meetings are here"

Note: Unity Church (all Unity Church Meetings are at The Center for Creative Living, which is an annex across the parking lot from the church; it is at the corner of Hudson and Avalon streets, one block north of Forest Hill and between Sheridan and University streets)

Monday: 5:30 pm, Unity Church

Tuesday 7 am Unity Church

Tuesday, 6:30 pm Unity Church

Wednesday, 10 am, Assembly of God Church on Brandywine (just north of War Memorial )

Thursday, 7 pm Unity Church

Friday, 5:30 pm Unity Church

Saturday 9 am, Unity Church

Sunday 4 pm, St. Augustine Home (for the elderly)

I am back home after an 8 day trip. I will weigh on Tuesday. In the spirit of honesty: back in October/November 2005, I was around 188 pounds. Lately I've been around 195 or so (192-196 ) and the weight gain has been real.

My portions are too big; I need to pray for the ability to reduce them, and then reduce them. I've been abstaining from binge foods and from eating between planned meals.

I am not obese as the following two photos show, but I am not quite as slender as before either.

Just going through the motions will not cut it.

While on vacation I made 4 meetings, followed my plan, read literature and called. My portions were too big at times though.

I don't anticipate posting all that much here. But this will be my online journal for my recovery from compulsive overeating program.

I have some other blogs but, due to anonimity concerns, I don't want to make recovery related posts there.

A brief introduciton to me: my top weight was 320 lbs; right now I weigh 190-195. I've been 188-195 since the winter of 1996.

I've included some before and after photos; the before was in 1992. The after photos were taken in 2004 and 2005 respectively. The track photo was from 2004; I was doing the 3000 meter racewalk.

So, for my first post, I'll share something that I read from the website Graysheeters Anonymous. I think it makes some great points about this "love" stuff that you hear so much about; I much prefer "clarity":

http://www.greysheet.org/nature.shtml

[...]As years went by -- and there were about 7 of them before I was able to actually put down the food -- I watched the blossoming in the regular rooms of OA of so much so-called LOVE, and so much GENTLENESS! I watched the Big Book and Step workshops multiply. I watched overweight people leading these Big Book and Step workshops. I saw very little abstinence. I watched the ABSTINENT people in NYC regular OA (maybe one in 30?) being very low-keyed, very quiet. I STUDIED them, because they were my only hope. The ones with a few years were never available to sponsor. They didn't laugh. They rarely smiled. It was damn hard being abstinent in a room full of food-drunk people dumping about everything, except about not picking up that first compulsive bite, no matter what. [In AA meetings, there's a convention that "if you've been drinking or used any mood-changers today, we ask you not to share in the meeting -- but rather, approach one of us after the meeting to speak with us."]

When I found the small Cambridge GreySheet Group in NYC in 1989, I was "circling the drain" -- coming perilously close to a return to bingeing. At that time, there were some pretty hard-talking people with relatively long abstinence here. I was attracted to them, because they were clear as a bell, and they always seemed to take responsibility for themselves -- something I find immensely refreshing, appealing, and inspiring. FOR ME, IT'S A PROMISE OF RECOVERY!

These abstinent greysheeters were NOT attributing their recovery to the LOVE they received. They were attributing it the CLARITY and BOUNDARIES they were shown and guided to implement. Clarity, truth, boundaries -- you have these, the love takes care of itself. THAT gave me HOPE -- that had the ring of TRUTH to it, for me. A message with depth and substance. After all, if I'm a VICTIM, and I give power to those mean bad guys the world is well supplied with, then I'm more or less condemned to remain hurt, abused, and in the food. Being the supersensitive person that I am, if I had waited till someone was nice and gentle and loving to me before I started to take responsibility for myself, and picked up the set of tools that is laid at my feet, it just might never have happened! [...]